Everyone has a dark side for some that side might be bad or evil but for some it’s the best thing they have. I on a personal level went through a lot of changes in my teen years and finally when I look back standing here at the age of 20 I feel something is missing……
Is it for good? There is no straight answer for that but there is one thing I realized that you can’t be on two sides at the same time, one has to be suppressed. If I look myself back in 2007 and now here in 2012 i couldn’t help wondering “Was That Really Me?”
2006 was a pretty ugly year I must say but in a way it was really good considering what impact it had on me. I was rejecting the social environment around me and trust me it was the best thing to do. That opened a whole new world for me which was pretty dark as many might say. There are ways to interpret what going to the darker side really is. Some may suggest ‘He got into drugs, drinking etc.’
Well, I won’t deny that completely (eh?) but that wasn’t the whole story….
I was hooked into heavy metal and was going ballistic considering the amount of relevance I found through that music. A metalhead was born. A guy frustrated with things around him, rebellious as anyone can get found something he can hang onto. It was a very exciting yet nervy phase of my life; I was into cosmology and astrophysics trying to understand theories which no one of my age even knew. There was a different sort of craziness about the whole thing it was violent and there was no fear of the future. I started seeing a psychiatrist because I enjoy the thrill of playing mind games. I must say she had a tough time dealing with me. Despite of her saying that I don’t need to see a psych I insisted and I continued to plant ideas in her head about me with my fake illusions stories and my fake MPD behavior, it was fun but I confessed everything in our last session and it was kind of rude from my part mocking a professional psychiatrist over a period of 2 months spanning 10 sessions which were 60mins long but she charged me pretty handsomely so that makes us even. I started to use my evil computer brain and was for a period of time a BLACK HAT but as I realized things I was a GRAY and then a WHITE HAT.
Coming to college was like coming to a jungle full of animals (both small and big) and me being a beast with just one instruction in his mind ‘Go Bite’ The craziness for metal scaled new heights as I found many like me there some were way ahead of me some had a surprising calmness about them I may be fell somewhere in between the two but I was rapidly going deeper into the craziness of that beautiful world. There was always a side asking me can I go along with this for the rest of my life? I Use to ignore that question because I was wasting my IQ somewhere else. 2008 saw me attend the greatest show of my life the Iron Maiden’s ‘SOMEWHERE BACK IN TIME’ World Tour which began from my home town – MUMBAI. I still consider that night of 1st February 2008 to be the highlight of my life till date. Piercing my tongue before that concert still remains the craziest thing I have ever done. Maiden who had already captured me through and through after that night just scarred me (for good) for life.
I was there !!!!!
But all wasn’t well in people’s world. No one around me knew what I was doing; there was social blackout that people took very seriously. Later as pressure piled up I realized I wasn’t strong enough to hang on the my usual routine and behavior and adding to that my great group of friends was splitting owing to numerous reasons and suddenly the aggression, the rebellious nature inside me was going under and was getting milder as the days passed. The violence was still there, the quest, the hunger and the desire to things I use to do was still there but along with it there was a sense of responsibility which demanded some seriousness and a constructive use of my intelligence.
The long hair was gone along with the piercing and the textbook metalhead was dead. It wasn’t a letdown because i knew it was never going to last forever but it was important to realize there this was the right time to press the brakes. There was not even a shadow of doubt in my mind about how will I continue the things I love along the things that are expected of me. During my engineering the transition was pretty smooth and it wasn’t as difficult as it seem to have looked previously. But having said that I’m just a moment away from being that same old crazy beast again. During my recent training with Accenture there were a couple of moments I thought were good enough for me to pull the trigger but I somehow managed not to explode and just go with the flow. But sometimes these little clicks forces a good flashback in your mind reminding of what a beast you were and at the same time makes you realizes your current situation which forces you to see how far you have come.
But at the end of the day I’m the same old beast (without the long hair of course). Sometimes it is better to keep the beast asleep when normal people are around and when they aren’t there is only one instruction on my mind “GO BITE”
– Ravi Sadrani